Personal Intelligence:
Asking the questions that matter
Human behaviour often feels random, but beneath the surface, there’s always a deeper structure at play. At its core, this structure is driven by emotions, relationships, and motivations—what we call Personal Intelligence. Different cultures and philosophies have recognized these forces in different ways for millennia, shaping not only how we see the world but also how we navigate our lives. And often, they work through patterns we don’t even realize are there.
These subtle patterns influence how we think, act, and connect with others, usually in ways we don’t immediately notice. Unfortunately this also means our decisions, behaviours and approaches to challenges are less under our immediate control than we might like to think. For coaches, these patterns are a goldmine of untapped potential. Thoughtful questioning can open the door to a client's transformation, but only if the coach can discover the right questions.
This is where the Personal Intelligence framework really shines. By focusing on the interplay of emotion, connection, and motivation, coaches can craft questions that dig far beyond the surface level. It's true that this framework can help guide clients toward greater self-awareness. More importantly, however, successes that come from its use reinforce a coach's confidence, which in turn serves to drive improved business outcomes.
“Human behaviour often feels random, but beneath the surface, there’s always a deeper structure at play.”
A framework for coaching conversations
Imagine a client who feels stuck in their career. They’re successful by conventional measures, but something doesn’t feel right. Perhaps, the spark that once drove them has faded, and they don’t know why. Traditional approaches might start with exploring strengths or values—both valuable strategies. But Personal Intelligence offers a way to cut through the noise and focus on what’s really driving the situation.
Consider these questions:
- Emotion (EQ): Are intense feelings like frustration or anxiety shaping their behaviours or holding them back?
- Connection (SQ): How are their relationships influencing their sense of engagement or fulfillment?
- Motivation (MQ): Are their goals still aligned with what truly matters to them?
These questions aren’t isolated, and together, they reveal a bigger picture. By considering emotions, relationships, and motivations together as a single unified framework, coaches can help clients uncover insights they might not reach on their own.
Emotion (EQ): Beyond surface feelings
Emotions often act as signposts, pointing to deeper truths—but they rarely tell the whole story. Clients might describe frustration with colleagues or fear of failure, but what’s beneath those emotions? That’s where real breakthroughs happen.
Instead of starting with “How do you feel about this?” try asking:
- “What story is this emotion telling you?”
- “When have you felt this way before? How did you handle it then?”
- “What might this emotion be asking you to notice right now?”
For example, a leader who reacts with anger in high-pressure situations might discover that this response stems from a deeper fear of being undervalued—perhaps rooted in past experiences. Once they see the connection, they can address the cause instead of just managing the reaction.
“Emotion, connection, and motivation don’t exist in isolation—they’re constantly shaping and reshaping one another.”
Connection (SQ): How we relate
Relationships are at the heart of so much of what we do, yet they’re often where things get messy. Connection isn’t just about getting along with others; it’s about how we show up and the impact we have. Sometimes, the way clients perceive their relationships reveals more about their own patterns than it does about the people around them.
For clients struggling with interpersonal dynamics, you might consider asking:
- “What assumptions do you think you might be making about the other person’s intentions?”
- “If you were in their shoes, how do you think they might describe this situation?”
- “What do you think you need to help you feel more confident navigating this relationship?”
These questions encourage clients to consider alternative perspectives and open themselves up to new possibilities. Consider a project team leader, for example, who might perceive a lack of support coming from their team. During selective questioning, you discover that they have been unintentionally holding back information. As a result, their outward withdrawal has created the very disengagement they fear. Reframing their approach can open the door to trust and collaboration.
Motivation (MQ): Rediscovering purpose
Motivation drives action, but also keeps it going. Clients in coaches’ offices frequently describe feeling “unmotivated” during early visits. The issue in this case, however, is usually one of clarity rather than effort. They’ve lost sight of what truly matters.
To help them reconnect with their purpose, you might ask:
- “What’s really driving your decision to pursue this goal?”
- “If this goal weren’t an option, where would your energy naturally go?”
- “What would success feel like—beyond the act of just ‘checking the box’?”
For example, a high-achieving executive who's spent the last several years chasing promotions might realize that they have done so out of habit rather than because they actually wanted these jobs. By revisiting their deeper values, they can realign their goals with career activities that genuinely excite them.
“Personal Intelligence sheds dramatic light on a client’s decisions and actions.”
Seeing the bigger picture
Emotion, connection, and motivation don’t exist in isolation—they’re constantly shaping and reshaping one another. A leader who fears failure (emotion) might micromanage their team (connection), which in turn undermines their ability to focus on long-term goals (motivation). These aren’t separate challenges—they’re part of the same system.
The goal here isn’t for a coach to untangle each and every thread. Instead, the objective is about helping clients recognizing the system as a whole. When they understand how these elements interact, they will be able to navigate their challenges with greater clarity and purpose.
The role of Personal Intelligence
Personal Intelligence isn’t a tool or a checklist. This construct represents an approach to intentional questioning that can shed dramatic light on a client’s decisions and actions. By exploring emotion, connection, and motivation as an integrated whole, coaches can create space for clients to uncover insights they might not have reached otherwise.
My goal as a researcher is to share perspectives that might enhance the work coaches already do. Personal Intelligence doesn’t replace expertise—it amplifies it. This framework offers a way to uncover the invisible threads that shape human behaviour and guide clients toward clarity and growth.
How do you explore emotion, connection, and motivation with your clients? What kinds of questions have led to the biggest breakthroughs in your work? Share your thoughts in the comments—I’d love to hear your experiences.
